Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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