Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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