saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
