My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
