I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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