I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
