So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
