So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
