2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
