You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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