I accidentally had phone sex last night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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