i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
