i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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