I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
