Your face is a jimmy john
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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