she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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