I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
