oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
