How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
