I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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