remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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