At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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