On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
