i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
