You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
