First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
