before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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