She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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