I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
