What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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