hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
