I skipped work to stalk him.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
