I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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