I puked a lego.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
