i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
