bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
