The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
