On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
