I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
