Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
