Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
