He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
