i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
