I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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