you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
