I'm lost and stupid without you.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
