Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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