somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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