when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
