don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
