he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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