Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
