1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
