We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
