Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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