Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
