I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
